Posts : Archive
Life : Tired and Irritable
Posted by Compubomb On May 23, 2005 @ 10:22 pm | Visited ( 207 )
Right now, I've been up approximately since 8:00 am and now which is 10:03 pm and I only got 2 hours
of sleep. I'm thinking of how much time I put into studying for my Appreciation of Dance History
final and it really wasn't much, yet I feel so drained. Every time I don't get enough sleep, I feel
depressed. Ugh, why can't I just take a happy pill and let the bad men go away (chuckles). It's just
sometimes; I guess I'm not suited for going to school in the same environment that I'm currently in.
It's like I can't get anything done at home, yet I have no proper / formal means of getting around
other than a bus or via a bike. If only I had some means of consistent transportation, I would feel
somewhat more independent and confident in myself to handle stress of a different caliber. It's
like, I know I can handle school, and doing well in my classes, it's just I can never find myself
getting enough sleep or being in the right environment to succeed. I hate to sound like I'm saying
woe is me, but in all due respect to all that read this, but --woe is me and you have nothing to
assume that I can void or rid myself of my current educational / financial status unless I were to
relieve myself of any academic ambition and focus on some sort of job. It's just I haven't the will
to allow myself to go beneath a potential possibility as to me becoming employed with a job which
suites my life style as to getting into computer science and pursuing some kind of web-development
career.
Some people might laugh about the way I see things, or even say that I'm
stuck in some kind of emotional rut, yet life always seems to have its inevitable outcomes which
always seem to feel worse than they really are. I'm dealing in vague euphemisms right now, but the
truth of the matter is, the one in my family who pays the bills is my dad, and he currently is
pretty under the weather was they say, they call it uncontrollable cellular growth or otherwise
known as cancer of the colon. I'm just using this as a catalyst to put my feelings out, but a
catharsis will probably only come on the day I realize my dad will die, or tell us that he is going
into remission, or I find some means of making sure I can become independent--income wise--and move
out of this emotional crypt of an environment.
Ranting : An Insight of Hindsight
Posted by Compubomb On May 14, 2005 @ 4:57 am | Visited ( 197 )
I just finished watching this special about the first 10 years of a show on Bravo
called Inside the Actors Studio. On the show, they
spoke with all the actors about their experience, how it has formed their personalities, and
especially how their family experiences and traumas have affected their psyche. Of all the things
that were asked, especially during the end of the special, what caught my attention the most was
when they asked the questions: what is your favorite word, what is your least favorite word, what is
your favorite curse word, what career would you choose other than your current one, what career
would you absolutely refuse to do, and what would you wish god said if he actually existed. My
reaction to those questions had so much depth, that I thought I should put these feelings into
something tangible. Out of many of the words which flipped through my head were the words "love",
"hate", "stupid", "Smart", "Retard", and many more words of polar contrast. The word love which held
a feeling which I have not directly experienced due to the absence of my mother; not so much in the
sense that she was not physically there, but rather that she was not emotionally or intellectually
there to support me. So of all the words that I love the most, it would have to be love. Of the
words that I despise the most would be it's contrasting opposite of hate. I've experienced hatful
deeds more often in my life than most and so it holds the most significance.
What
I find somewhat ironic is as I started to write this, I felt inspired, I had just finished watching
the show which I mentioned previously, and now I've become blank. Think of this as an elaboration of
essence. When I viewed the show, it brought me great emotion, inspirational emotion in that it
brought many images to my mind, yet I've lost the ability to motivate my feelings as tangible
evidence that I felt extremely moved.
School : I hate my professor
Posted by Compubomb On May 07, 2005 @ 12:21 am | Visited ( 197 )
Well, bloody god damn it. My professor sucks. He gave a test in my class without first covering his
pre-test, like he normally has done, and due to his incompetence he punished the student in that he
did not give them adequate time in order to prepare by assigning the test on Monday and covering the
pre-test on Friday. Maybe it's me, but I think that I pretty much failed my test, I left many
problems blank, and because he did not cover the material in a very breadth way, I had a lack of
understanding of the material. Essentially the material dealt with Trigonometry Identities, and law
of sine. All of which is not entirely hard in of itself, but when you only have 3 hours per week in
a 5 unit course, the whole notion of stuffing 10 lbs of shit in a one pound bag comes into focus.
Every time I think of how my potential score will come out I cringe. Ugh!!!!!