Right now, I've been up approximately since 8:00 am and now which is 10:03 pm and I only got 2 hours of sleep. I'm thinking of how much time I put into studying for my Appreciation of Dance History final and it really wasn't much, yet I feel so drained. Every time I don't get enough sleep, I feel depressed. Ugh, why can't I just take a happy pill and let the bad men go away (chuckles). It's just sometimes; I guess I'm not suited for going to school in the same environment that I'm currently in. It's like I can't get anything done at home, yet I have no proper / formal means of getting around other than a bus or via a bike. If only I had some means of consistent transportation, I would feel somewhat more independent and confident in myself to handle stress of a different caliber. It's like, I know I can handle school, and doing well in my classes, it's just I can never find myself getting enough sleep or being in the right environment to succeed. I hate to sound like I'm saying woe is me, but in all due respect to all that read this, but --woe is me and you have nothing to assume that I can void or rid myself of my current educational / financial status unless I were to relieve myself of any academic ambition and focus on some sort of job. It's just I haven't the will to allow myself to go beneath a potential possibility as to me becoming employed with a job which suites my life style as to getting into computer science and pursuing some kind of web-development career.

Some people might laugh about the way I see things, or even say that I'm stuck in some kind of emotional rut, yet life always seems to have its inevitable outcomes which always seem to feel worse than they really are. I'm dealing in vague euphemisms right now, but the truth of the matter is, the one in my family who pays the bills is my dad, and he currently is pretty under the weather was they say, they call it uncontrollable cellular growth or otherwise known as cancer of the colon. I'm just using this as a catalyst to put my feelings out, but a catharsis will probably only come on the day I realize my dad will die, or tell us that he is going into remission, or I find some means of making sure I can become independent--income wise--and move out of this emotional crypt of an environment.

I just finished watching this special about the first 10 years of a show on Bravo called Inside the Actors Studio. On the show, they spoke with all the actors about their experience, how it has formed their personalities, and especially how their family experiences and traumas have affected their psyche. Of all the things that were asked, especially during the end of the special, what caught my attention the most was when they asked the questions: what is your favorite word, what is your least favorite word, what is your favorite curse word, what career would you choose other than your current one, what career would you absolutely refuse to do, and what would you wish god said if he actually existed. My reaction to those questions had so much depth, that I thought I should put these feelings into something tangible. Out of many of the words which flipped through my head were the words love, hate, stupid, Smart, Retard, and many more words of polar contrast. The word love which held a feeling which I have not directly experienced due to the absence of my mother; not so much in the sense that she was not physically there, but rather that she was not emotionally or intellectually there to support me. So of all the words that I love the most, it would have to be love. Of the words that I despise the most would be it's contrasting opposite of hate. I've experienced hatful deeds more often in my life than most and so it holds the most significance.

What I find somewhat ironic is as I started to write this, I felt inspired, I had just finished watching the show which I mentioned previously, and now I've become blank. Think of this as an elaboration of essence. When I viewed the show, it brought me great emotion, inspirational emotion in that it brought many images to my mind, yet I've lost the ability to motivate my feelings as tangible evidence that I felt extremely moved.

Well, bloody god damn it. My professor sucks. He gave a test in my class without first covering his pre-test, like he normally has done, and due to his incompetence he punished the student in that he did not give them adequate time in order to prepare by assigning the test on Monday and covering the pre-test on Friday. Maybe it's me, but I think that I pretty much failed my test, I left many problems blank, and because he did not cover the material in a very breadth way, I had a lack of understanding of the material. Essentially the material dealt with Trigonometry Identities, and law of sine. All of which is not entirely hard in of itself, but when you only have 3 hours per week in a 5 unit course, the whole notion of stuffing 10 lbs of shit in a one pound bag comes into focus. Every time I think of how my potential score will come out I cringe. Ugh!!!!!